Well, I think I've finally got all the answers I was looking for. "I've said my peace and counted to three," as Penny said in O Brother, Where Art Thou? I can walk away from my past life with my head held high and leave it 22 years in the past where it belongs. It is what it is, and that's all it will ever be. I'm amazed that three years of my life could take so many more to reconcile.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Finally
Well, I think I've finally got all the answers I was looking for. "I've said my peace and counted to three," as Penny said in O Brother, Where Art Thou? I can walk away from my past life with my head held high and leave it 22 years in the past where it belongs. It is what it is, and that's all it will ever be. I'm amazed that three years of my life could take so many more to reconcile.
Friday, August 14, 2009
And Now For Something Completely Different
Wow, what an exhausting summer. It's almost over--this is my last Friday of freedom. Boo hoo. But the kids are bored and missing their friends, so I suppose the time has come. And I'm a bit bored and missing my friends, too! It will be nice to be with grown-ups again and torment the little kiddles with endless math flash cards and sight words.
I'm excited for a new project that starts this weekend. I'm taking part in a moleskine exchange with a group of other knitters from around the world. We'll each have our own book that we'll take turns mailing to one another. Each participant will do a page or two in the book in whichever artistic medium they choose. Most books will have themes, but how one executes that theme is completely up to that person. At the end, all twelve of us will have a completed book of our own with pages done by each member of the group. It will take several months, but Emily (my darling sister) and my wonderful friend Pat (in London) will both be in my group, which makes me very happy. I'm relatively creative but not all that artistic, so this will be a fun challenge for me. Or I'll just get Sweetie to paint in each one for me! He'll probably do that for Em and Pat's books anyway, but I'll do my own page too. And of course I have the usual stack of books and collection of knitting projects to work through. I love it when my brain hums away with activity! Or maybe that's me humming my way into a catatonic state... Hmmm.
Drummer Boy has been getting in his end-of-summer parties with his friends before they all split up and head off to college. Most are going to UVU, a few to BYU, but nearly everyone at least will stay in Utah. I hope he keeps in touch with a lot of them. He has very nice friends. He also saw several DCI competitions, both live and in the theater. He will be auditioning for the Santa Clara Vanguard this November. He's excited to move into the dorms week after next. His new roommates have friended him on Facebook and they're all from Utah. This after me telling him he'd meet kids from all over the country and world! But he will--he just won't be living with them this year.
Elvira has spent her summer catching up on homework, writing, and avoiding friends. She's a funny girl. The kids that hang out together at school have no contact with each other during the summer, and the kids she doesn't really care for call endlessly. She has a killer schedule this junior year, to make up for a few blips over the last couple, so she'll be very busy. I keep telling her to keep her eyes on the prize, which is getting out of the house and off to college. That doesn't seem to motivate her as much as I would like.
Kitty Boy turned 13 the other day, has grown several inches over the summer, and is ready to be top dog in middle school. The pecking order in a school with only two grades is a big deal, as I remember. He has spent his summer swimming, riding his bike down on the river trail, and just hanging out. He got a massive Nerf gun for his birthday and he and his friend had a battle royale on our stairs complete with barricades and the soundtrack to "Das Boot" blaring through the speakers. So funny, but it kept them entertained for hours. I will be finding foam darts all over the house for months, I think!
And little Tinkerbell had a hard summer. She did swim team but didn't like it. Too early and too many laps. We stuck it out until we went to St. Louis, but it ended while we were there. Lots of friend issues, worrying because some arch enemies will be in her class next year, some lonely afternoons. It's hard to be nine. Fourth grade was my very favorite year in elementary school, as I told her, and I hope she ends up having a much better time than she thinks. Still trying to decide if she wants to stick with ice skating or go back to ballet this next year. I worry about her.
Sweetie has worked himself to death this summer, thankfully only figuratively. Lots of film stuff going on at BYU, several papers finished up and sent in for publication, getting ready to go up for full professor this fall, and of course, THE REMODEL. I put it in bold letters because it has a life of its own now. I had no idea how long this would take, but the words "this is a 20 minute job, max" just make me laugh now. I try not to get frustrated because he's the one doing all the work, after all. I'm just his surgical nurse, handing him drill bits and sheetrock screws. It looks great, but still has a ways to go. One of the rooms will become Elvira's new lair, and she is most anxious for that. She has plans to paint it all black. I have other plans.
What's ahead? Let's see... Hopefully a BYU football game to see Drummer Boy in action--he will be playing 2nd bass on their drumline. Already marked up my calendar with lots of concerts, plays, and operas to attend. Haven't seen the new International Cinema calendar yet, but I'm sure there will be some goodies on it. Emily has a conference in Seattle this October and I'm going to try to sneak up there for a few days. I do love that city. Sweetie will probably go to one more conference somewhere this fall. We'll finish the three rooms and start planning our next project. I want to start laying down hardwood floors. Sweetie wants to tear off the back of the dining room and put in a sliding door.
He swears it's a 2-3 day project--max.
I'm excited for a new project that starts this weekend. I'm taking part in a moleskine exchange with a group of other knitters from around the world. We'll each have our own book that we'll take turns mailing to one another. Each participant will do a page or two in the book in whichever artistic medium they choose. Most books will have themes, but how one executes that theme is completely up to that person. At the end, all twelve of us will have a completed book of our own with pages done by each member of the group. It will take several months, but Emily (my darling sister) and my wonderful friend Pat (in London) will both be in my group, which makes me very happy. I'm relatively creative but not all that artistic, so this will be a fun challenge for me. Or I'll just get Sweetie to paint in each one for me! He'll probably do that for Em and Pat's books anyway, but I'll do my own page too. And of course I have the usual stack of books and collection of knitting projects to work through. I love it when my brain hums away with activity! Or maybe that's me humming my way into a catatonic state... Hmmm.
Drummer Boy has been getting in his end-of-summer parties with his friends before they all split up and head off to college. Most are going to UVU, a few to BYU, but nearly everyone at least will stay in Utah. I hope he keeps in touch with a lot of them. He has very nice friends. He also saw several DCI competitions, both live and in the theater. He will be auditioning for the Santa Clara Vanguard this November. He's excited to move into the dorms week after next. His new roommates have friended him on Facebook and they're all from Utah. This after me telling him he'd meet kids from all over the country and world! But he will--he just won't be living with them this year.
Elvira has spent her summer catching up on homework, writing, and avoiding friends. She's a funny girl. The kids that hang out together at school have no contact with each other during the summer, and the kids she doesn't really care for call endlessly. She has a killer schedule this junior year, to make up for a few blips over the last couple, so she'll be very busy. I keep telling her to keep her eyes on the prize, which is getting out of the house and off to college. That doesn't seem to motivate her as much as I would like.
Kitty Boy turned 13 the other day, has grown several inches over the summer, and is ready to be top dog in middle school. The pecking order in a school with only two grades is a big deal, as I remember. He has spent his summer swimming, riding his bike down on the river trail, and just hanging out. He got a massive Nerf gun for his birthday and he and his friend had a battle royale on our stairs complete with barricades and the soundtrack to "Das Boot" blaring through the speakers. So funny, but it kept them entertained for hours. I will be finding foam darts all over the house for months, I think!
And little Tinkerbell had a hard summer. She did swim team but didn't like it. Too early and too many laps. We stuck it out until we went to St. Louis, but it ended while we were there. Lots of friend issues, worrying because some arch enemies will be in her class next year, some lonely afternoons. It's hard to be nine. Fourth grade was my very favorite year in elementary school, as I told her, and I hope she ends up having a much better time than she thinks. Still trying to decide if she wants to stick with ice skating or go back to ballet this next year. I worry about her.
Sweetie has worked himself to death this summer, thankfully only figuratively. Lots of film stuff going on at BYU, several papers finished up and sent in for publication, getting ready to go up for full professor this fall, and of course, THE REMODEL. I put it in bold letters because it has a life of its own now. I had no idea how long this would take, but the words "this is a 20 minute job, max" just make me laugh now. I try not to get frustrated because he's the one doing all the work, after all. I'm just his surgical nurse, handing him drill bits and sheetrock screws. It looks great, but still has a ways to go. One of the rooms will become Elvira's new lair, and she is most anxious for that. She has plans to paint it all black. I have other plans.
What's ahead? Let's see... Hopefully a BYU football game to see Drummer Boy in action--he will be playing 2nd bass on their drumline. Already marked up my calendar with lots of concerts, plays, and operas to attend. Haven't seen the new International Cinema calendar yet, but I'm sure there will be some goodies on it. Emily has a conference in Seattle this October and I'm going to try to sneak up there for a few days. I do love that city. Sweetie will probably go to one more conference somewhere this fall. We'll finish the three rooms and start planning our next project. I want to start laying down hardwood floors. Sweetie wants to tear off the back of the dining room and put in a sliding door.
He swears it's a 2-3 day project--max.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Excuse Me For Living
I can't sleep tonight for some reason. Actually, I know the reason, but knowing it isn't going to change the fact that I can't sleep.I've been thinking tonight about lots of things. I wrote a post last January called "Stalker Redux" and deleted it because I didn't want someone in particular to read it. Now I wish I hadn't. Oh, the person did read my blog, cover to cover, but I should have owned my thoughts enough to keep them there. I talked to this person at length about my feelings 20+ years ago that prompted me to write that post, and according to them I completely misinterpreted their intentions. Rather than being sure of myself, I caved and apologized for feeling afraid and looking over my shoulder for years on end. I was wrong, they were right, silly me for being so paranoid.
I hate that about myself. So quick to apologize and take the blame for any situation.
As you know, I recently returned from a long trip to St. Louis and Chicago. Life is different outside of our little Wasatch Bubble, and not necessarily in bad ways. One thing that I really loved was how people just flat-out speak their minds. They like something or they don't. They believe something or they don't. End of story. There doesn't need to be confrontation or argument--that's just one more piece of information about the person that you have. Isn't it great we're all different?
Not here. The very day after I got back to Provo, I was shopping at the Orem Wal-Mart. Aside from grown women shopping in their pajama bottoms (don't even get me started on that one--a future post for sure), women were apologizing right and left for absolutely everything. They needed something off the shelf, they passed me in an aisle, they were ahead of me in line, behind me in line, had a crying child, blah blah blah. Good grief people, those situations don't require an apology! An "Excuse me" or "Thanks!" would suffice, but no, we apologize for everything the entire day. And I was doing it right along with them. "Sorry!" "No, you're fine, it's totally my fault!" Grow a backbone, woman!
I'm not going to make some broad-based sociological impact statement on this, but I truly believe in my case it has made me too quick to find myself in the wrong in general. I know that the whole shopping trip is such a tiny blip on the radar, but when you spend the better of 45 years apologizing for taking up space on the planet, it gets to you. Well, it gets to me.
When I was growing up in the military, we moved nearly every year with only a few exceptions. My way of dealing with relationship problems with anyone at all (boyfriend, neighbor, classmate, employer, etc.) was to just wait a few months and then move. Problem solved. I just bided my time and skipped town. This was actually a rather effective way to deal with conflict, though I admit not particularly character-building.
I've employed this little trick for many years, with mixed results, especially since I haven't moved in nearly 15 years, not to mention that I've been married for more than 21. That does complicate things a bit. So my new trick is to just apologize and get on with life. Doesn't matter what the issue is, I'm sure I'm at least partly to blame so what's the big deal in taking the rest of it on and putting everything behind us?
But I've grandfathered that into my incredibly messy college life, even though there is ample evidence that I was definitely not to blame for a large part of it. I look at way too many events that happened to me and excuse away the other person's role in it almost entirely until I look like a one-woman wrecking ball hurtling through BYU at warp speed. And if that didn't work, I burned pages of my journal, shredded pictures, and effectively obliterated any evidence that I was ever present in the situation at all. That's my forgive/forget process--just pretend it never happened.
This year has been like an extended version of "This Is Your Life" for me. I've been working to patch things up with my extended family, who I have neglected shamefully for many years. I've talked to aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, my former sister-in-law, past roommates from college, friends from high school, and feel closer to my own sisters than ever. But on the flip side, I've also had the "opportunity" to sort through some very ugly stuff with some people I knew in college a lifetime ago. And you know, it really has been an opportunity. Any one of these people (or me) could have disappeared from my life permanently (though admittedly I expended a fair amount of time on my knees praying for that exact thing), which would have left me with endless questions and doubts. I still need some questions answered, but the list is dwindling.
But now that I'm so conscious of it, I'm handling it different. "I was a jerk!" one said. "Why yes you were," I said. "I'm so sorry for everything," they declared. "Thanks," was my response. Not an apology escaped my lips unless it was for something which I was truly responsible for. And I took none of the blame for the fact that they were a jerk and treated me abominably (which actually applies in more than one of these situations. In another, it was pretty equal).
I still have a looong way to go. There are people I will probably never get to that point with, including my dad, and to some extent my own sweet husband, who I just hate to disappoint. I already keenly feel that he got the short end of the stick in marrying me, so how could I ever blame him for anything? It's definitely my fault no matter what the issue is, at least in my assessment. But I'm working very hard to clean out the attic of my memories, open the windows, and shed some truly illuminating light on my own life and not only forgive myself for being such an idiot but in many cases absolve myself completely.
As far as the future goes, I will try to speak my true mind (which to some of you will come as shock that I don't always do that) and not apologize unnecessarily, though I'll still try to be nice.
Even to women wearing pajamas in public.
Monday, August 10, 2009
An Unlikely Inspiration
I recently spoke with an old friend of mine who was, to put it nicely, not someone I generally considered a good example for me to follow. I have been very critical of this person both publicly and privately because of some pretty unpleasant stuff that happened between us many years ago.
It's amazing what a few years and some growing up can do to a person. Though there will always be issues between us, and with just cause on both sides, I came away from the conversation with a new respect for this person and a lot to think about, particularly in light of the post I made last night. In many ways, I have ample reason to look to them as a good example of grown-up interactions, which stuns me more than I can say.
I know that a lot of the posts I write are vague at best and nonsensical at worst. I write a lot of things in "code" that make no sense to anyone but me. But writing helps me look at the things I'm dealing with at the time and try to sort them out and make sense of my world. With that said, the hot coals I'm willing to extinguish are talking to strangers with candy and playing in traffic. Still working on running with scissors.
It feels so good to write again!
This has been a weird summer in a lot of ways. Lots of doctors appointments, lots of pills, lots of driving (3,972 in 12 days to be exact), lots of construction--just weird. Drummer Boy is heading off to college in two weeks and I've been trying to get him ready for dorm life. Still have to do a few "life skill" lessons with him. I will miss him very much--he's a terrific guy and fun to have around. I get a little weepy when I think of all the time we spent together when he was tiny--just the two of us. He wasn't even two when Elvira was born, and all that one-on-one was over way too soon. But then I smack myself and think how fun it will be to see him in college and start planning all the cookies I'll take over to his apartment for him and his roommates. (Don't you think "flatmates" sounds so cool? Maybe I should switch to the British version!)
And happy birthday to my youngest sister, Caroline. She's just turning 27, is a drop-dead-gorgeous redhead with a killer body trying to kick her career as a classical pianist into gear in New Orleans. I think she rocks! And my mom was 46 when she had her, so Mom rocks too!
It's amazing what a few years and some growing up can do to a person. Though there will always be issues between us, and with just cause on both sides, I came away from the conversation with a new respect for this person and a lot to think about, particularly in light of the post I made last night. In many ways, I have ample reason to look to them as a good example of grown-up interactions, which stuns me more than I can say.
I know that a lot of the posts I write are vague at best and nonsensical at worst. I write a lot of things in "code" that make no sense to anyone but me. But writing helps me look at the things I'm dealing with at the time and try to sort them out and make sense of my world. With that said, the hot coals I'm willing to extinguish are talking to strangers with candy and playing in traffic. Still working on running with scissors.
It feels so good to write again!
This has been a weird summer in a lot of ways. Lots of doctors appointments, lots of pills, lots of driving (3,972 in 12 days to be exact), lots of construction--just weird. Drummer Boy is heading off to college in two weeks and I've been trying to get him ready for dorm life. Still have to do a few "life skill" lessons with him. I will miss him very much--he's a terrific guy and fun to have around. I get a little weepy when I think of all the time we spent together when he was tiny--just the two of us. He wasn't even two when Elvira was born, and all that one-on-one was over way too soon. But then I smack myself and think how fun it will be to see him in college and start planning all the cookies I'll take over to his apartment for him and his roommates. (Don't you think "flatmates" sounds so cool? Maybe I should switch to the British version!)
And happy birthday to my youngest sister, Caroline. She's just turning 27, is a drop-dead-gorgeous redhead with a killer body trying to kick her career as a classical pianist into gear in New Orleans. I think she rocks! And my mom was 46 when she had her, so Mom rocks too!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Fire Walking
A few months ago Danielle wrote an awe-inspiring post about her adventures in fire walking. Apart from the obligatory mom-response of "You'll shoot your eye out one day, Missy," I was secretly pretty impressed. I can't remember the last time I sought out physical pain in an effort to prove something to myself, even working out at the gym. Danielle is pretty gutsy, that's for sure. She walked gingerly for at least a week after that incident, and her poor feet looked very sore.I take lots of chances in other ways, some even more dangerous than fire walking. I do the adult equivalent of talking to strangers with candy, running with scissors, and playing in traffic nearly every day, not to mention the occasional walking on hot coals and sleeping on beds of nails. I know I'm a bit self-destructive, but with a husband and four kids it's not really fair for me to indulge in that these days. I know this, and yet I don't know if it's laziness or a death wish that interferes with doing what I know I should.
I really thought I'd grow out of this, but I don't think I have. Never a dull moment around me, that's for sure.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
3,972 miles later ...
Whew! We just pulled in from a record-breaking vacation for us. We've driven farther when we moved to Connecticut, but not for just a summer vacation. It was fabulous and "practically perfect in every way"! (You get 10 points if you knew that came from "Mary Poppins.")
Here are some things we did on our trip to St. Louis and Chicago:
* Saw all my Yancey relatives after 14 years and took Tinkerbell back for a play date with her new-found cousin Lyddie.
* Saw all my Hutchison relatives after 16 years.
* Saw my Chicago nieces and nephew, my sister-in-law, and her mom
* Saw "The Music Man" at the MUNY Opera in amazing seats, thanks to my sister and her boss.
* Saw my brother and sister-in-law and visited his store where we outfitted the entire family save Tinkerbell in new shoes.
* Found out why my left heel has been killing me and got some new shoes and stretches that will help it heal. (Note the homonym there!)
* Got complimented on my cute new Nike Frees, which made me happy.
* Saw my two little sisters, one of whom drove up from New Orleans.
* Missed my other sister who was there just the week before--lots. And her four kids who are scattered to the four winds.
* Spent lots of time with my parents just hanging out and talking.
* Played my sister's baby grand piano.
* Watched each of my four kids smile and laugh out loud--more than once!
* Actually had all four kids get along great the entire trip, even though they were crammed into a minivan and two have longer legs than I do now.
* Got all the kids' school shopping done.
* Visited the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago, thanks to my sister-in-law's sister.
* Drove up and down Lake Shore Drive in Chicago repeatedly, and held my own with taxis, buses, and BMW convertibles.
* Nearly gave Sweetie a heart attack by driving down narrow Chicago streets. He forgot that I never had a car in Chicago until I married him and always used the bus or subway!
* Was thrilled that Chicago is even more beautiful now than it was 23 years ago when I moved there.
* Saw my old offices, apartments, and haunts in Chicago.
* Drove all the way down the Magnificent Mile (Michigan Ave. in Chicago) and could still name nearly all the stores.
* Showed the kids where their dad and I had our first few dates.
* Went to Steak 'n Shake, Lubeley's, and Ted Drewes. I even brought home four dobash tortes in the cooler for the rest of the birthdays this year.
* Spent the day at the Botanical Gardens with my sister, brother, and sister-in-law.
* Went to the Science Center with my nieces, brother, and sister.
* Drove across the Mississippi and Missouri Rivers numerous times, including the bridge right by the beautiful Gateway Arch.
* Realized what a small city St. Louis is after driving through Chicago earlier that evening!
* Was able to navigate my way around town without a map.
* Had loads of time to just think about things while I was driving. I feel more creative than I have in quite awhile.
* Drove through Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, Kansas, and Colorado. I think I was actually driving during each border crossing.
* Didn't miss one thing about Utah or my house at all, except my friends, who aren't "things" after all. Didn't even miss the cats, really (sorry guys).
But now that I'm back, I guess it feels kind of good. Time to pick my life back up again, though it was heaven to leave it all behind for a little bit.
Here are some things we did on our trip to St. Louis and Chicago:
* Saw all my Yancey relatives after 14 years and took Tinkerbell back for a play date with her new-found cousin Lyddie.
* Saw all my Hutchison relatives after 16 years.
* Saw my Chicago nieces and nephew, my sister-in-law, and her mom
* Saw "The Music Man" at the MUNY Opera in amazing seats, thanks to my sister and her boss.
* Saw my brother and sister-in-law and visited his store where we outfitted the entire family save Tinkerbell in new shoes.
* Found out why my left heel has been killing me and got some new shoes and stretches that will help it heal. (Note the homonym there!)
* Got complimented on my cute new Nike Frees, which made me happy.
* Saw my two little sisters, one of whom drove up from New Orleans.
* Missed my other sister who was there just the week before--lots. And her four kids who are scattered to the four winds.
* Spent lots of time with my parents just hanging out and talking.
* Played my sister's baby grand piano.
* Watched each of my four kids smile and laugh out loud--more than once!
* Actually had all four kids get along great the entire trip, even though they were crammed into a minivan and two have longer legs than I do now.
* Got all the kids' school shopping done.
* Visited the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago, thanks to my sister-in-law's sister.
* Drove up and down Lake Shore Drive in Chicago repeatedly, and held my own with taxis, buses, and BMW convertibles.
* Nearly gave Sweetie a heart attack by driving down narrow Chicago streets. He forgot that I never had a car in Chicago until I married him and always used the bus or subway!
* Was thrilled that Chicago is even more beautiful now than it was 23 years ago when I moved there.
* Saw my old offices, apartments, and haunts in Chicago.
* Drove all the way down the Magnificent Mile (Michigan Ave. in Chicago) and could still name nearly all the stores.
* Showed the kids where their dad and I had our first few dates.
* Went to Steak 'n Shake, Lubeley's, and Ted Drewes. I even brought home four dobash tortes in the cooler for the rest of the birthdays this year.
* Spent the day at the Botanical Gardens with my sister, brother, and sister-in-law.
* Went to the Science Center with my nieces, brother, and sister.
* Drove across the Mississippi and Missouri Rivers numerous times, including the bridge right by the beautiful Gateway Arch.
* Realized what a small city St. Louis is after driving through Chicago earlier that evening!
* Was able to navigate my way around town without a map.
* Had loads of time to just think about things while I was driving. I feel more creative than I have in quite awhile.
* Drove through Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, Kansas, and Colorado. I think I was actually driving during each border crossing.
* Didn't miss one thing about Utah or my house at all, except my friends, who aren't "things" after all. Didn't even miss the cats, really (sorry guys).
But now that I'm back, I guess it feels kind of good. Time to pick my life back up again, though it was heaven to leave it all behind for a little bit.
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