I've been taking a great class up at BYU this past month on financial planning. The material is challenging but so interesting, and I'm looking at our finances and goals through much more hopeful eyes now. We meet every Thursday for three hours up at the Marriott School, and last night we had an interesting discussion about cars.
Somewhere around 1990, Toyota was selling over 9 million cars to people in Japan. The twenty-something segment of the population started reevaluating the expenses associated with automobile ownership. In order to pay for the car itself, parking, gas, insurance, maintenance, etc., they had to shell out a ton of money, not to mention accept the environmental impact of that many cars on the road. Many decided that the "life cost" of owning a car was too high, and today Toyota only sells 2 million vehicles in Japan. Of course, they have a ridiculously more advanced mass transit system over there than we have in the States, which makes it more feasible for some, but it's still a pretty significant shift.
During the break, I talked to two women who were sitting by me. One is single with no kids and recently finished her masters in Library Science. The other is divorced with older kids who just finished the Executive MPA program this summer. Both talked about how stressful their programs were and how they had to put their entire lives on hold to get through those few years. The MPA grad told me her program was incredibly intense, and it didn't turn out to be what she really wanted to pursue after all, though it will help her get where she wants to go. This gave me a few things to think about.
As you know, I've been agonizing over my lack of a master's degree forever on here, and I keep flip-flopping about which program will get me where I want to go, although I'm not really sure where that is yet. Do I pursue the MPA, MBA, JD/MBA, JD, MA in Comms, English, Nursing degree(s)? Can I even get in? Am I way too stupid to keep up with the work? And what about those little people at home? Oh right, and I'm married. Sorry Sweetie! Almost forgot about you!
I'm already working at the school way more than I thought I would be this year. Obviously this is my actual life, but I feel so disconnected from the life that I value. I miss being with my kids, even though I'm with other people's kids all day. I can't remember the last time I did the simplest things like iron, make bread, or weed the garden. Yes, the money is helpful, especially now that the kids are older and much more expensive. But what is the life cost of my choice? Do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? Right now, I think they do. It's hard on the kids and me, but it's working out. I still haven't figured out when to exercise and sleep, but I'm optimistic that I can do both.
I'm debating about taking the GRE prep class, but I'm planning on taking the test itself in December and applying for my program in February. Can I handle one more thing on my plate? Maybe I should have gotten my MBA at Wash U back in '87 like I had planned. Maybe I should have done the Comms degree and taught at BYU back in '87 when they offered. Maybe I should have just pushed through the rest of the Nursing prerequisites in '03 when I started going back. Maybe I should have done less playing in college and more studying and then I wouldn't feel so stupid when I look at my GPA now.
Maybe I missed my chance.
This would be a very bitter pill to swallow. I still think I can do it all and have it all. Accepting that I'll die with just a BA is like accepting that I'll never be thin again. Sure, I can love myself in spite of it, but I'll always feel like I didn't live up to my potential. Maybe that's a divine prompting. Maybe the life cost does make it worth it. Maybe I'm supposed to do this, for whatever reason, and I just need to have faith and press forward. If it weren't a worthy goal, I really doubt that not accomplishing it would eat away at me like it does. Maybe I'm placing waaaay too much importance on a stupid piece of paper. Does God really care if I have an advanced degree or not? Would He prefer that I just make a decision and shut up about it already?
It sounds blasphemous, but that's the one I'm going with.
2 comments:
"Accepting that I'll die with just a BA is like accepting that I'll never be thin again" I totally get that. Well put. Despite the fact that I love it,I wouldn't work if I didn't "have to", so I think HF has made it so I "have to" so I can learn stuff. So "just make a decision" that's closest to the "stuff" you need to learn and that makes you the happiest. HF won't let you go far if it won't accomplish his purposes for you. That "stupid piece of paper" that I truly sacrificed time and money to get may not pay me $, but the confidence and self-esteem that I received from that accomplishment has made all the difference for me.
Life Cost is a very real thing. Our family is struggling with it now with me working in Atlanta and commuting back and forth, home for only a couple of days at a time.
One way to evaluate which path to pursue is to decide what is likely to happen (good and bad) as you go down a particular path. Then add a little pessimism (not that things will get bad, but just so you take them into account).
As Stephen Covey says, so often when people climb to the top of the ladder they find that it's leaning against the wrong wall. nd Heavenly Father will let us make this mistake if we're not careful. But if we're trying to do the right thing and living accordingly He will either smooth the path or throw up obstacles. If your ladder is leaning on the correct wall it will all work out.
I hope you find that right path and all the growth, challenge and joy that will come with it.
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