Tongue-Tied

I want to talk about something really important to me, but I can't.

Well, I could, but I really can't. Well, I guess I can, if you want to get technical about it. I could open my mouth (or type with my fingers) and say whatever I want to. But I shouldn't. I shouldn't so much so that I might as well say I can't.

There is a furious debate going on right now on a certain blog about the author's post on feminism. She expressed her opinion, which, of course is her right as an American to do, and should be her right no matter where she lives. Whoops, I'm saying too much. I'm starting to sound a bit militant, aren't I? Let me try again.

Some women in the blogosphere believe they are not feminists. That's their right, of course. Their god-given right to believe whatever they want to. And their American right to say it in their blog. Never mind that women all over the world don't have that right. Never mind that after campaigning for family members and begging for votes, even being able to cast your own, you are in a minority in the world. Never mind that you can make money off your readers by having ads all over your blog and then collect a pretty little check made out to you that you then deposit in your own personal checking account. All that aside, to say that equality has done nothing for you, as this particular blogger said in her post, leaves me speechless and yes, tongue-tied.

But I really shouldn't talk about all of this, because one might infer from my comments above that I am a feminist, and that might be detrimental to both me and my family. The fact that people assume we're Democrats in the most Republican county in America has caused us no end of unwanted attention. I can only imagine what being a feminist or having a feminist wife would do to us when one works for one of the most conservative religious universities in the country. Oh, whoops, no I don't have to imagine it because I know. It can get you fired. Or blacklisted. I would really hate to give off that impression, because I love my husband. So I can't say anything.

I also can't talk about the fact that the religious youth group that my daughter attends when I successfully coerce her into going by assuring her that I'm sure they'll do something worthwhile, interesting, and relevant this time, took the girls to try on wedding dresses last week. Never mind the fact that these girls are 16 and 17 years-old and it reeks of polygamist child-brides to me. Never mind that I'm so incredibly thankful that I didn't even try to get her to go so she was not exposed to it. Never mind that, though a few of the parents were horrified, the leaders themselves saw nothing wrong with it. Apparently it was to give them "something to look forward to." I suggested they try on caps and gowns, because my mother always said "first things first." Then I suggested that they take the boys to price out engagement rings if they wanted to continue with the culture shock theme. The leader was not amused.

Never mind the fact that after 20 years of living in this place I still feel like I live on another planet sometimes and am ready to scream my lungs out but nobody who heard me would care one bit. One might assume that I spend hours deprogramming my children after being exposed to such activities and ideas, but then one might also believe that try as I might I just can't buy into the cultural ignorance of many in the predominant faith in my particular area. One might then assume that I'm so fed up that I'm ready to turn my back on my faith and so many of its ignorant and frankly, foolish, members.

But then one would assume incorrectly, because I can differentiate between doctrine and culture.

I know that where I grew up, in lands far away from here, that I was not subjected to stupidity at the level I have seen in this place. I know that there is not such a sense of religious entitlement within my faith elsewhere, that many people, and not just women, are aware of inequality in the world and realize there is a long way to go still. I also know that even in my own family there are huge divergences of opinions on politics and yet we still love each other passionately and will protect one another's right to believe what they want.

I also know that I'm not alone. There are others here. Thinking, feeling, intelligent women and men who read and study real issues. The cautious ones talk about it in hushed tones. The rash ones shout it to the heavens. But they are talking and voting, and I don't feel so alone sometimes.

I wish I could talk about it all, I really do.

I just can't. Yet. But someday I can. And then all the thoughts that have been collecting in my head and heart all these years will come pouring out. I can't guarantee that they'll be interesting or even valid at that point, but I will be free to speak my mind without any thought of repercussion to me or my family, either economically or socially.

Lord help us all.