Confusion

A couple of months ago I mentioned a moleskine project that I was working on. I'm finishing up two books right now that I'm mailing out later today, and as I was selecting some photos to print out and use I came across some that gave me a few things to think about.

These are pictures of our garden from a few years ago. Aren't they lovely? Sweetie works so hard on our yard, and he does an amazing job. We've had more than a thousand people tour our garden over the years, and we get to enjoy looking at it every day.

Having a beautiful yard and garden is important to both of us, and keeping it as organic as possible is important to me. I spent many evenings digging up dandelions rather than blast them with pesticide. All those little pesky weeks between the pavers? Me. That was my job in my grandmother's garden, too, so I'm well adapted to such work. I don't even mind it--it makes me feel very happy to see the results of my work.

But I've done next to nothing on the yard for a couple of years now, and it shows. Sweetie is the hardest working person I know, but we have a bit of an inverse relationship there. The harder he works, the more tired I get just watching him. I really (and I'm not being self-deprecating here without cause) have been such a slug! There are so many weeds in the grass now (and we don't have that much) that I'm going to have to resort to non-organic measures. Most of the vegetables went to seed and became compost. The fruit on the trees didn't get picked and canned. I tried to keep the potted stuff watered, but didn't try quite hard enough and they're all crispy now.

There is a to-do list a mile long just in the yard! And then there's the house, which is even longer. Why am I even considering going to grad school and putting everything on hold for two years, cutting our income (which is sort of necessary with kids in college and aging appliances), and then working full-time probably to "use my degree?" The kids would be subsisting almost exclusively on frozen pizza (oh, I know myself better than to think I'd throw something in the crock pot each morning), I would be too tired or busy to monitor their homework, they'd never graduate from high school, and the next thing I know they'd be spouting right-wing sound-bites at me. I can't have this happen to my family!!

Okay, maybe I'm being a bit "Worst-Case Scenario" here. I do know some very nice Republicans after all:) But it is a concern of mine that in my quest to level the playing field with my siblings, the other faculty wives, and whoever else makes my ultra-competitive blood boil at the time (don't even think about taking me on in gin rummy) I'm sacrificing something way more important. Already I've skipped reading bedtime stories to Tinkerbell in exchange for curling up with my GRE prep book. We're on Fall Break right now, and I read about four books to her last night. It reminded me of what I was missing. I made homemade eggrolls for Elvira and her friend on Wednesday, aebelskivers for the kids on Thursday, and tonight it's homemade pizza. I like cooking for them, and while in all honesty I don't like cleaning, I like the results. It makes me sad to see the yard so neglected, and I feel like a horrible parent if my kids aren't doing well in school.

So I'm confused. But not really. I'm more valuable right here being a mom and "keeper of the hearth" than I would be as another drone in an ad agency. I've been that before, and my colleagues didn't bat an eye when I left. There's always an eager 22 year-old college grad ready to step into the gap. Masters degree or not, everyone is infinitely replaceable in the workplace. But I'm the only mom my kids will ever have, and these are the only years my kids will ever be young. Once they're out of school, if I still feel so compelled I will absolutely go back to school. Age is just a number, and if having a graduate degree is that important I'll do it anyway. But for now, I think I'll stay a bit closer to home and hearth.

How many times does this make that I've changed my mind? Not sure anymore. Aren't you glad you're not me? This is what goes on in my head 24/7! Will I flip-flop again? Maybe...