Excuse Me For Living

I can't sleep tonight for some reason. Actually, I know the reason, but knowing it isn't going to change the fact that I can't sleep.

I've been thinking tonight about lots of things. I wrote a post last January called "Stalker Redux" and deleted it because I didn't want someone in particular to read it. Now I wish I hadn't. Oh, the person did read my blog, cover to cover, but I should have owned my thoughts enough to keep them there. I talked to this person at length about my feelings 20+ years ago that prompted me to write that post, and according to them I completely misinterpreted their intentions. Rather than being sure of myself, I caved and apologized for feeling afraid and looking over my shoulder for years on end. I was wrong, they were right, silly me for being so paranoid.

I hate that about myself. So quick to apologize and take the blame for any situation.

As you know, I recently returned from a long trip to St. Louis and Chicago. Life is different outside of our little Wasatch Bubble, and not necessarily in bad ways. One thing that I really loved was how people just flat-out speak their minds. They like something or they don't. They believe something or they don't. End of story. There doesn't need to be confrontation or argument--that's just one more piece of information about the person that you have. Isn't it great we're all different?

Not here. The very day after I got back to Provo, I was shopping at the Orem Wal-Mart. Aside from grown women shopping in their pajama bottoms (don't even get me started on that one--a future post for sure), women were apologizing right and left for absolutely everything. They needed something off the shelf, they passed me in an aisle, they were ahead of me in line, behind me in line, had a crying child, blah blah blah. Good grief people, those situations don't require an apology! An "Excuse me" or "Thanks!" would suffice, but no, we apologize for everything the entire day. And I was doing it right along with them. "Sorry!" "No, you're fine, it's totally my fault!" Grow a backbone, woman!

I'm not going to make some broad-based sociological impact statement on this, but I truly believe in my case it has made me too quick to find myself in the wrong in general. I know that the whole shopping trip is such a tiny blip on the radar, but when you spend the better of 45 years apologizing for taking up space on the planet, it gets to you. Well, it gets to me.

When I was growing up in the military, we moved nearly every year with only a few exceptions. My way of dealing with relationship problems with anyone at all (boyfriend, neighbor, classmate, employer, etc.) was to just wait a few months and then move. Problem solved. I just bided my time and skipped town. This was actually a rather effective way to deal with conflict, though I admit not particularly character-building.

I've employed this little trick for many years, with mixed results, especially since I haven't moved in nearly 15 years, not to mention that I've been married for more than 21. That does complicate things a bit. So my new trick is to just apologize and get on with life. Doesn't matter what the issue is, I'm sure I'm at least partly to blame so what's the big deal in taking the rest of it on and putting everything behind us?

But I've grandfathered that into my incredibly messy college life, even though there is ample evidence that I was definitely not to blame for a large part of it. I look at way too many events that happened to me and excuse away the other person's role in it almost entirely until I look like a one-woman wrecking ball hurtling through BYU at warp speed. And if that didn't work, I burned pages of my journal, shredded pictures, and effectively obliterated any evidence that I was ever present in the situation at all. That's my forgive/forget process--just pretend it never happened.

This year has been like an extended version of "This Is Your Life" for me. I've been working to patch things up with my extended family, who I have neglected shamefully for many years. I've talked to aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, my former sister-in-law, past roommates from college, friends from high school, and feel closer to my own sisters than ever. But on the flip side, I've also had the "opportunity" to sort through some very ugly stuff with some people I knew in college a lifetime ago. And you know, it really has been an opportunity. Any one of these people (or me) could have disappeared from my life permanently (though admittedly I expended a fair amount of time on my knees praying for that exact thing), which would have left me with endless questions and doubts. I still need some questions answered, but the list is dwindling.

But now that I'm so conscious of it, I'm handling it different. "I was a jerk!" one said. "Why yes you were," I said. "I'm so sorry for everything," they declared. "Thanks," was my response. Not an apology escaped my lips unless it was for something which I was truly responsible for. And I took none of the blame for the fact that they were a jerk and treated me abominably (which actually applies in more than one of these situations. In another, it was pretty equal).

I still have a looong way to go. There are people I will probably never get to that point with, including my dad, and to some extent my own sweet husband, who I just hate to disappoint. I already keenly feel that he got the short end of the stick in marrying me, so how could I ever blame him for anything? It's definitely my fault no matter what the issue is, at least in my assessment. But I'm working very hard to clean out the attic of my memories, open the windows, and shed some truly illuminating light on my own life and not only forgive myself for being such an idiot but in many cases absolve myself completely.

As far as the future goes, I will try to speak my true mind (which to some of you will come as shock that I don't always do that) and not apologize unnecessarily, though I'll still try to be nice.

Even to women wearing pajamas in public.