I Hate Diabetes

Okay, so you know how much I love Heidelberg.

I hate diabetes even more. Elvira has both Type I and Type II diabetes. Type I means she can't manufacture her own insulin because her pancreas shut down. Type II means she can't absorb the insulin she is injected with. So on top of all the insulin she takes in, she also takes an oral medication (twice daily) every single day of her life to open up her cells so they will accept insulin. She used to have seven, count them, seven shots a day at a minimum. Sometimes up to 12 if she was sick or had trouble getting her blood sugar down. Then she got her insulin pump, which has made things different, but not a whole lot easier.

I just spent the last 30 minutes trying to upload all the readings from her pump onto the computer, figure out why the stupid monitor that is attached to it isn't working, fixing it, reassembling everything about six stinking times, because you don't know if the monitor is working until you put it all together again, and then trying to reattach it to a sleeping teenager. Envious? Don't be. Because as frustrated and mad as I get at this STUPID disease, Elvira has it way worse than I will ever have it. If she forgets to test, her pump malfunctions so she doesn't receive insulin, or she gets sick and her blood sugar launches into the stratosphere, I don't feel a thing. I used to get up every morning at 3 am to test her (doctor's orders), and sometimes give her shots in her sleep or try to rouse her long enough to take in some carbs so she wouldn't go into a coma during the night. But that's not what we do anymore. She seems to be able to tell in her sleep when she's low and wakes up and tests. But my neighbor Sue had a sister who went into a diabetic coma, suffered brain damage, and died months later. So that's in my mind every single day of my life. I used to have nightly dreams that I went in to wake her and she had died. Will she still be here to graduate from high school? Will she be healthy enough to go away to college? What if she or her husband loses their insurance? Will she tell us so we can make sure she gets her medications? Will I outlive her?

She told me awhile ago that even on her best day, she still feels sick. She remembers a little bit what it was like not to have diabetes, but she was diagnosed when she was eight, seven years ago, and the memory is almost gone. Even before she was sick with this, she was still ill with a thyroid disease. So she would have to remember right after she turned five what it was like to feel healthy.

How did this happen to her? My grandmother had a brother with Type I, so maybe I caused this. Sweetie's sister has the same thyroid disease, so maybe it came from him. The doctor said it was probably triggered by a virus, and I remember she was sick a few weeks before she was diagnosed. What if I had taken her in to the doctor instead of just treating a little cold at home? Could they have done anything? Probably not. I blame myself every single day for this. Being the Diabetes Nazi doesn't help things--she gets very angry with me and things get worse quickly. Backing off doesn't help either. She's a busy girl, and it's easy to forget to jab your finger with a lancet and squeeze the blood onto a test strip five times a day. I'd sure want to forget that.

I don't blame her at all. I'm totally on her side. I just hate diabetes so much.